Confliction
Filed Under: Thriving
(This post is a ramble. It doesn’t flow and it’s full of sentence fragments. But it’s my blog and I needed to get my feelings out, so deal with it.)
I’m an idea person. A risk-taker. An entrepreneur. And for me, these qualities are in direct competition with being a homeschooling parent.
For 8 years I’ve been struggling with this conflict between wanting a career and wanting to raise my kids. I can’t find a balance.
I don’t want to get a job. I want to create a project. Like I’ve done in the past. Something that’s mine, something I’m passionate about. And I am so very fortunate that I have the luxury of doing that. I don’t need to work.
I have ideas. I have passion. I have money. I have skills. What do I lack? Time.
I have lots of ideas and one by one I see them being implemented by other people. My husband always tells me, “It doesn’t matter if someone else is already doing it. You just need to do it better.” Problem is, I don’t have the time to do it better.
Some days I just feel like throwing my hands in the air and resigning myself to motherhood. Forget about writing, blogging, designing, creating. Just play. Spend more time exploring the world and learning with the kids. Getting home improvement projects done. Being more disciplined about shopping and food. Giving more to my husband. It sounds like a nice, relaxing life.
But it’s not enough for me. In fact, it’s boring me to tears and completely stressing me out. And I feel bad saying that. I feel guilty that I’ve been given this wonderful life and I simply complain about it constantly. But the truth is it’s just. not. enough.
I don’t know where to go from here. Giving more attention to one thing necessarily means sacrificing something else because there are only 24 hours in a day. How do I decide what to sacrifice? Will I be sorry in the future if I sacrifice the “wrong” thing?
PHAT = Parenting, Homeschooling And Technology. That about sums up my life at the moment.
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Liz | Mar 28, 2008 | Reply
Holy hell, woman, get out of my head! Seriously, I’m struggling with this same thing. I’m feeling like a gerbil, lately. Running in circles just doesn’t get you anywhere, does it?
I dunno, Shannon - I’m still searching for that place, too.
Somewhere I can be creative AND appreciated AND be here for my family, too.
Not much of a business plan, that much I do know.
Glad you got it off your chest and know that you are NOT the only one….and in my head…ugh.
Liz’s last blog post..PBN Blog Blast: The Truth About Motherhood - and it is the one you probably won’t want to hear, either.
Monica | Mar 28, 2008 | Reply
you’re not alone, Shannon. I’m in the same place and my husband just doesn’t get it, which make me crazy. I’ll be glad when all my kids are reading so they can do subjects independent from me. Don’t give up!
ByJane | Mar 28, 2008 | Reply
Shannon,
I have so been where you are. And probably will be again. The one thing I’ve learned is that there is no “wrong thing.” There’s just what you did do and what you didn’t do. One isn’t better than the other; they both get you to the same place. The hardest part is where you are now–making the decision. Once it’s made, the angst is pretty much over.
ByJane’s last blog post..A , I’m Adorable…B, I’m so Beautiful…
Jill | Mar 28, 2008 | Reply
I go through the same thing. I do things for ME to keep ME sane. Sane Mommy means good things for everyone. I try to read a novel for entertainment for at least a few minutes every night. This allows me to escape (reading Three Cups of Tea right now, it’s very good). I scrap to alleviate my need to be creative. I volunteered and took on ALOT (maybe too much) at school this year. The PTA isn’t the best use of my time necessarily but it alleviates my need to organize events. I exercise to feel like I’m trying to get into better shape. It’s amazing how exercising can clear my head! I plan meals because I hate to cook so having it planned out ahead of time makes it much easier. I keep in touch with friends via email to feel like I’m interacting with other adults. I just tackle little things one at a time. I do practice a little retail therapy here and there. I plan time out for myself when the hubby goes on a travel binge - I’m lucky my husband “gets it” and doesn’t mind when I tag team him at the door when he’s coming home from a trip. I try to let the tension out here and there so it doesn’t build and boil over…sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
Hang in there. Older Moms tell me eventually the kids will be older and we will beg for the “calmer” days of their youth…when they would admit that they need us.
motherofbun | Mar 28, 2008 | Reply
I understand what you mean. You crave projects where you can use your creativity AND you can be Shannon and not someone’s mom.
motherofbun’s last blog post..Margarita hair
Lynette | Mar 28, 2008 | Reply
Yep, that post could have come from me. I was just getting ‘back in the groove’ when my daughter turned 5, then I was pregnant with #2. Now I feel like I’m back at square one. Problem is, I actually did get to start some pretty killer ideas/projects, but due to motherhood, had to let them slide. Then ‘everyone else’ jumped in with similar ideas and left me standing in the dust. Ticks me off, getting left behind. My youngest is now 5 months old, and I think I’m finally realizing I have the title of SAHM. It makes me cringe. My first reaction is that I’m so much more than that, but maybe, just maybe, at this time in my life, it’s all I’m supposed to be. I wrestle with this every day, every hour. I’m with ya sister!
Lynette’s last blog post..Such a Happy Baby
Jess | Mar 28, 2008 | Reply
Wow! I guess I don’t get it. Maybe it’s a grass is greener thing; I don’t know. I would give just about ANYTHING to have what you have, except I wouldn’t do the homeschool thing. It’s just not my bag. While the kids were in school, I’d do charity work or something like rocking the babies at the hospital nursery if I needed something to do. I can’t imagine not having to worry about the bills all the time and being able to have a family vacation! You are very fortuate, but YOU need to feel that way about your life. I say put the kids in school and go to work. I sounds like what you really want. Your kids will be fine as long as you are fine. They are worse off if their Mom is unfulfilled and would rather be doing something else.
Mrs. Flinger | Mar 29, 2008 | Reply
Shannon! I started as post in draft last week that is almost verbatim. I wanted to homeschool but I’m failing at staying at home because I want to work and do something I’m passionate about. Which I’m glad I get to and all, but it’s cramping my kids and husband. So what do I do?
Do you wanna chat, like, on the phone? ‘Cause I’d love to interview you for our new upcoming podcast that addresses this. We thought we’d do that since I’ve been freaking obsessed about it lately.
Plus I’d love to just talk.
Mrs. Flinger’s last blog post..Friday Flashback Time!
karla ~ looking towards heaven | Mar 29, 2008 | Reply
yeah - I get this.
I can’t get myself together to do everything spinning in my mind.
blessings,
Karla
karla ~ looking towards heaven’s last blog post..My other home
dana | Mar 29, 2008 | Reply
I think everything you are feeling is normal. We understand it because we’ve sort of been there. I have a fantastic idea in my head, been there for months, but I don’t have the time to implement it. It’s driving me nuts.
Wouldn’t it be nice to just have a week away from everything else to start your project? That’s what I want. Except life keeps knocking on my door. Ugh!
Hang in there, girl. I think things will fall into place to allow you the time you need.
dana’s last blog post..What’s New With Me? Quite A Lot.
Mutha Mae | Mar 29, 2008 | Reply
I found you via Twitter and had to leave a comment because that’s how I feel pretty much every day of my life. I started doing a video show for moms on my blog and now I want to do it for a living. This little hobby has become an obsession. Now I’m a bit miserable, because I want it so badly. My friends tell me to be careful what I wish for. How would I handle working and childcare for the kids, should this ever turn into anything more than a hobby? I said heck with that thought! I’ll deal with it IF it ever becomes a reality. Until then, I’m having fun. It does give me something completely for me. I think all moms need that and I wish you luck in finding that Me Thing that makes you happy, too
Mutha Mae’s last blog post..They Hain’t No Hair On My Sheelee Dawg
Melissa~ @Pink Paper Peppermints | Mar 29, 2008 | Reply
Hi Shannon,
We don’t know each other very well (yet!) but my heart just went out to you when I read your post. I truly know that feeling of seeing someone else implement a great idea that you had. Oh! It’s gut-wrenching. The stories I could tell you (maybe someday over a mocha, huh?).
I think that *every* mama whether working at home, away from home, homeschooling or not…feels those same feelings at some time or another. It’s part of the sisterhood of motherhood.
I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. And say hi (I think this is the first time I’ve posted here).
Saying a prayer for you today.
Melissa~
Melissa~ @Pink Paper Peppermints’s last blog post..taggity-tag-tag-tag
workout mommy | Mar 29, 2008 | Reply
wow, I feel like you wrote exactly what I have been saying to myself! I have so much that I want to do, yet never enough time. And then I look at my kids and think, I’m here to give THEM my time…not anything else. (and then I feel a little bitter!!) We can’t win!
I wish I had an answer for you–but I am grateful that you expressed what many others feel and are not able to admit.
F.Blogger | Mar 30, 2008 | Reply
Every day is the same for my too, the only thing that you can do is to keep going and hope that the things will get better.
Mom On The Run | Mar 30, 2008 | Reply
Mommyhood is never easy is it?
Visit me @ http://www.momontherun.net
Mom On The Run’s last blog post..About Mom On The Run:
Jules | Mar 30, 2008 | Reply
I’ve been struggling with the same problems for years. I do have to work but have always remained flexible in my mind as to what exactly that work had to be.
I ran a daycare for 7 years but got very burnt out and left for another work-at-home opportunity. That ended up being too much to manage with my children being so young and I craved being back out in the workforce with other adult interaction.
Now I have a job that I love but it is all-consuming and needs someone that can devote 60+ hours a week because it is struggling to stay alive. With four children and a husband that is not well, I cannot be that person. I want to go back to a WAH setup but don’t know yet what that can be.
Even if money weren’t an issue I would still have to work - I could not only be a SAHM. That is not meant as anything derogatory to those that are happy being a SAHM, it only means that it is not for me. I become restless and bored and feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin without something to immerse myself into. So I’m looking for that next step - hoping that now that my children are a little older it might be easier to balance work and family at home.
Jules’s last blog post..How To Handle Telemarketers
Nodin's Nest | Mar 30, 2008 | Reply
I’m right there with you, only it’s just me and my son. I’m thinking about what to do next, all day long. I can only offer one suggestion, keep writing! That’s the only way I stay sane.
I have a notebook with me at all times to jot down ideas, thoughts or rants. I try not to think past today because I dont want to miss my son growing (he’s only 3). I started homeschooling and the only way it works is to make his learning part of my craft. I also find that sometimes just ranting and raving for a day, gets it all out and I can think again. So maybe today you feel a little better?
Nodin’s Nest’s last blog post..Vintage Lilly Pulitzer
Margaret | Mar 30, 2008 | Reply
Slowly (it seems), kids gain more and more independence. They are able to do more and more on their own, and help at home more, thus freeing up mom’s time. If you are committed to homeschooling, then commit, and carve out time for your aspirations each day - an hour a day while the kids have quiet time? Maybe you will find you are not committed to homeschooling - but keep in mind that moms of schoolkids have time pressures too. You seem like a creative, resourceful and thoughtful person. I suspect you will find the right way out of this.
Margaret’s last blog post..Was there life before homeschooling?
Alicia | Mar 30, 2008 | Reply
I can totally identify. My kids are finally getting old enough to be more independent, and I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But it has been a long few years of pure mommying, and I’m really surprised when the tears well up when someone tells me what an important thing I’m doing with my kids. Why doesn’t it feel like enough??
Sarah @ Ordinary Days | Mar 30, 2008 | Reply
I was thinking along these lines today. My niece is just starting out in the world of adulthood and I realized I am following her every career option, housing choice, and even music choices. I now see that I am living vicariously through her. I feel if I did anything besides mothering, I’d be making my kids miss out, but at the same time I kind afeel like something is missing from my life. I’m trying to find the balance, too.
Sarah @ Ordinary Days’s last blog post..Hot Mama Revolution: Giveaway!
Adam Hyman | Mar 30, 2008 | Reply
You’re passionate about parenting and want to work.
Maybe something a bit artsy? Like hand painting chairs?
Christine | Mar 30, 2008 | Reply
I know, I totally know.
The boredom. The needing to fill the void. The guilt.
Christine’s last blog post..Fish out of water
mj aka sugarmama | Mar 31, 2008 | Reply
Hi Shannon,
It has been awhile since I’ve visited your site and I was excited to see you on board with us in svmoms group!
Anyway — I totally know what you feel. I went through the same thing and with my husband’s full 100% support, I was able to go for what I had wanted to do. It lasted for almost 7 years, and then it was time to let it go. I can’t say that I failed in it, because I found a bigger reward in actually accomplishing something that I had dreamt of. Good luck and hope you’ll figure out what to do. I bet you will!
I’ll see you around Twitterita!
mj aka sugarmama
Twitter: mjtam
mj aka sugarmama’s last blog post..Lashed out onTop Chef !
Christine | Mar 31, 2008 | Reply
Take this for what it’s worth - as you know, my “children” are two dogs and a parrot….
Yes, you are a mother, but that is not your sole identity. You are SHANNON, and being a mother is just one of the may things you are. You are too devoted to your children and love them too much to ever let them fall as a sacrifice to your other passions. Yes, they should always be first, but I don’t think it is healthy for you or them to make them the sole focus of you. They need to see you happy, and see how you make yourself happy - that is how they will learn to be happy. Except for brief periods of time, you are with your children 24/7. I don’t know how anyone can keep his/her sanity in that situation. Is there a reason you can’t work part-time? Is it possible to hire someone to watch your children 2 days a week, while you work uninterrupted? In any case, take care of Shannon, make Shanon happy - and the rest will fall into place.
Marye~ | Mar 31, 2008 | Reply
Oh crap, is every SAHM in the world in the same boat!?! Do we need some sort of support group for mom’s who are more than just moms.
Sorry, I don’t have any answers. I figured I was just a typical Gemini or that maybe I had Adult ADD.
I feel like I’ve totally lost my identity as Marye to the kids and I only have two of them. I love, I mean LOVE to homeschool my kids, especially when I’m around kids who aren’t homeschooled. They aren’t very bright about what’s going on in the world nor do they have very good social skills.
I also miss being the person I was before kids. I think that now that the kids are getting older the old me is starting to reappear and she doesn’t like what she sees. Keep us posted on your metamorphoses.
Marye~’s last blog post..Thinness?
Adam Hyman | Mar 31, 2008 | Reply
I’ve been looking for a post where you talking about why you decided on homeschooling. But can find it. It think its really important to understand why you made that decision to your readers.
Maybe you should post a link to it on the main page?
(I assume you’ve written before)
mrsmogul | Apr 2, 2008 | Reply
I can relate! I know I’m not alone!
mrsmogul’s last blog post..Sex tours and big beds
Darci | Apr 3, 2008 | Reply
Wow.. I agree with you completely. I just lack the children
(I found my way here from the blog hunt)
NJDrummer | Apr 3, 2008 | Reply
Just a thought from someone not in the same position…albeit with the same passions, ideas, etc. How about collaborating on a project. That way duties can be split between several determined people striving toward a COMMON goal. If you have enough in common w/ your collaborators at the onset, decisions where a concensus is needed will be easier.
Joanne | Apr 15, 2008 | Reply
Shannon, although I can’t relate to what you’re feeling I wanted to just throw something out that you probably know already…your kids are still young…you’re a great mom and your children are benefitting from being around you. Before you know it, they’ll be older and you’ll have more free time.
Hang in there!
Joanne’s last blog post..Adoption Lifebook Supplies
dak-ind | Apr 16, 2008 | Reply
so the honest thing here is that some women want to do more than be wives and mothers, but then, some dont. i am going back to school kicking and screaming the whole way. my son is three (tomorrow) and starting preschool this fall so its time for me to go back and complete my rn adn go back into reality, but if i could, i would take nature walks with my toddler for the rest of my life. i would have little fingers mixing biscuit dough, and i would struggle to have the toys put up before daddy got home for the rest of my life. some folks need more, adn thats OK, too.
dak-ind’s last blog post..fun faces:
Cindy M | Apr 16, 2008 | Reply
Shannon,
I can SO relate to what you’re saying here. I’m a work at home mom and I’m constantly struggling to find the time to do things as well as I wish I had the time to do them–if that makes sense. I’d love to be able to give all my work 110% and have a spotless house and spend loads more time with my girls–but there’s only so many hours in the day and only so much of me to go around.
In the ends I think we moms have to make sure we take the time to fulfill our needs as well. I know there are days when I wish I didn’t want a career either so I could devote all my time to the kids and house–but that wouldn’t fulfill me. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be fulfilled–in fact I think it’s not only important for you as a person but important to show your kids that you are a person too and people should go after their dreams.
I hope it all works out for you. I just found this blog but I love it–I’ll be back. Take care.
Cindy M’s last blog post..Layered Hair Cuts: Why You Need One
Patty | Apr 20, 2008 | Reply
I can totally relate with your feelings. I work from home as well and am constantly feeling overwhelmed. I have tons of ideas but you know you can’t do them all. You have to just set little goals and plug along and do what you can.