The Fine Line Between Coddling and Controlling
Filed Under: My Daughter, Parenting
My 3 year old daughter has been a clingy recluse lately. Please tell me it’s just a phase.
She is in dance class and swim class and has frequent playgroups. She’s always been my extrovert, while my son is more introverted. But for the past couple weeks, she wants to sit on my lap and cuddle all day. (Hence my lack of blogging and twittering and social networking.) Last week she hung back and didn’t participate much in dance class. This week, she stood against the wall and cried. At an outing today she curled up on my lap instead of coloring or playing with the other kids.
I am especially sensitive to these issues because my son was very shy and attached for many years. It wasn’t until he was 6 years old that he attended any type of class or group without being attached to my leg. I don’t want that to happen with my daughter. I struggle with that fine line between coddling and controlling. I want my kids to feel comfortable, attached, and confident that I will be there for them, and yet I know that pushing them to separate a bit is necessary for their growth and maturation.
I’ve had this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach since yesterday’s dance class. Next week, I will bring her again and I will probably face protests. I won’t want to leave her crying in the class, but I can’t just take her out and give up. Oh, how I wish parenting were just a little easier.
PHAT = Parenting, Homeschooling And Technology. That about sums up my life at the moment.
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Joanne | Jan 17, 2008 | Reply
Shannon…you’re a great mom, the love you have for your kids shows in your posts.
I would follow her lead right now. After all, the only three. Maybe she’s finding all those activites overwheling and wants some down time.
Joanne’s last blog post..Talking To An Unschooled Child
Dana | Jan 17, 2008 | Reply
I’m so glad you brought this up. Dawson is 3 also, and I want to use the childcare at the gym so I can workout without hiring an outside babysitter.
The first attempt was awful. The crying, kicking and screaming was terrible. I couldn’t possibly put that nice YMCA caregiver through that. I don’t know what to do about this type of situation either.
Laurel | Jan 17, 2008 | Reply
If she’s an extrovert, I wouldn’t worry too much. Not all kids need pushing to get them out into the world. Perhaps your daughter is going through a stage of growth or maturation when her brain is reorganizing a bit. I’d savor the cuddles and think of it as filling up her love bank. Let her hop off your lap when she’s ready.
Heather | Jan 18, 2008 | Reply
Oh, this too shall pass. That is the hope you have to hang onto on the days you have no freedom, that you’re filled with worry for their well being, or guilt for just wanting your children to get through a phase. I myself just long for those days mine wanted to cuddle. They’re 11 & 13 now, so cuddling doesn’t rank real high on their list right now. I’m more the needy one these days.
Heather’s last blog post..It’s Factoid Friday!
healingmom | Jan 18, 2008 | Reply
Awww…the cuddling sounds wonderful; the worry, however, does not. It looks like the bloggers b4 me have given you good advice. You are a wonderful mother, and I’m sure she will be just fine. Try not to worry too much, and let her lead the way with maybe just a little bit of gentle coaxing. She’s soooo cute! If I were you, I couldn’t resist those cheeks, and I’d cuddle with her as much as I could! She’ll be back to being independent soon. She just needs her Phatmommy right now.
healingmom’s last blog post..That Which Doesn’t Kill You Now, Might Kill You Later…
motherofbun | Jan 18, 2008 | Reply
Yes, methinks she just needs her mommy right now. Its probably just a phase. Isn’t that about the time they become more aware of the “world” and that it all seems so big and scarey? I dunno.
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MommyWithAttitude | Jan 19, 2008 | Reply
I have had a similar experience. My older child wouldn’t let anyone touch him but me (and I had to be touching every second of every day) when he was littler and now he acts as if I don’t exist. My little one was a really friendly baby and toddler and now he seems kind of clingy and though he does ok at preschool and with a babysitter we hired about 8 months ago, he doesn’t really seem to bond with any other adults too much — he likes his mama. He’s 4 (and has been this way since 3)and I just hold him as much as I can and hope he’ll outgrow it.
If you read any attachment parenting stuff they often say that if the need is met at the time, it will be outgrown, and for the most part I’ve relied on that - except for those days when I just needed to not be touched for one more second!
MommyWithAttitude’s last blog post..Diary of an On-Again Off-Again Fitness Fanatic
Daisy | Jan 19, 2008 | Reply
And just when you thought it was safe — has there been any trauma lately, something that you might have thought was totally normal, but to which she overreacted? Or misinterpreted? Go with your gut reaction. You are Mom, after all, and you’ll know what’s right.
Daisy’s last blog post..These pretzels are making me thirsty.
Chris | Jan 21, 2008 | Reply
In our case, it was just a phase, but it still comes out of remission everyone once in a while. Usually when he’s grouchy, sleepy, etc.
Chris’s last blog post..Quick hits
DeafMom | Jan 22, 2008 | Reply
It’s a stage, baby, a stage! Hang on to it, because before you know it, the kiddos will be in high school and wanting to borrow a car.