It’s Tough Being on the Fringe
// 7.8.07 // Filed under: Thriving
I recently had a brief email conversation with someone I respect as an intelligent female blogger. Our conversation ended with her observation that we were “coming from very different ideological places.” Yeah, I get that a lot.
I suppose I’m on the fringe. I homeschool. I’m agnostic. I’m neither republican nor democrat, and only sometimes libertarian. I vote consistently to make my voice heard, but don’t always vote for one of the “top two” choices just because I figure one of them is the lesser of two evils. I believe in the power of true capitalism and small government. I believe in the US Constitution. And as I’ve said many times on this blog, I believe that self-responsibility is the most important trait a person can have.
Blogging has connected me to several wonderful people who share my views. But time and time again I find myself in that “different ideological place” than lots of other mommy bloggers. Why does that matter? Because I put a lot of effort into my blogging and I want people to read me and link to me! I want to connect with people. I want to discuss my ideas with people who will listen and be engaged, but it seems that a large proportion of mommy bloggers simply don’t share my views. Worse still, some will judge or completely shut down when they read certain things about me.
More and more I’m feeling comfortable in my own skin, proud of who I am, and sure of what I stand for. But in the world of mommy blogging I sometimes feel like I don’t fit in, and that can feel a little lonely.
[tags]homeschool, agnostic, capitalism, mommy blogging[/tags]
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23 Responses to “It’s Tough Being on the Fringe”
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I know how you feel about being on the fringe! My EducateDeviate blog is on the fringe too. Most educational bloggers are working in education (as teachers) and are often on the conservative end of things. The people that talk about issues I bring up only tend to write one entry about it, then move on. I haven’t found a good network of youth bloggers; the ones I’ve seen tend to be businessy or activist-y. I’m a niche everywhere I go!
Hi- It is so interesting that you feel judged. I enjoy your blog. I am just starting out in Home Schooling as my oldest is just starting K this Sept. We may have different views on topics but I have had friends,co-workers etc with differnt views. If we disagree we just agree to disagree or discuss the issue. I think so many people come from the defense. As if you don’t like them becasue you don’t share the same ideas. That seems so immature to me….anyway. I enjoy your blog, you make me think and that is never bad. I don’t make people all “good” or all “bad” it gives me room to learn &grow.I’ll ck out the above link too!Thanks
I can relate to some degree. It has taken me a while to realize that the only attributes that I need my friends, both blog and real-life, to agree with me on is personal integrity and commitment to their kids. I,too, have felt that underlying current on some blogs that if you don’t 100% agree with them, you become “persona non grata.” I think that behavior shows their insecurities in ways they don’t realize.
I am certainly not perfect, but I try my best to be honest with myself about hte good and bad. My philosophies are all over the place, but they are mine, and no one else’s. I don’t fit into any label or group in any area of my life. As such, I can share and enjoy certain aspects of some people, even though I don’t agree with others.
I have learned to enjoy the positives and ignore the negatives.
Take us, for example. I love your honesty, work ethic, enthusiasm, commitment to your family, and desire to find the answers, yet I do not relate to unschooling for my family, nor do I find homeschooling unfulfilling. Do those differences matter when there is so many other amazing points we agree on?
Agreeing to disagree is an old concept, but maybe it is a sign of those who are worthwhile as maintaining in our circles!
I guess one of the advantages of getting older is I no longer care that I am on the fringe.
I do enjoy your blog Shannon. It’s refreshing to share ideas with others even if I don’t agree with them about everything.
I can relate to being on the outside. Even among an already on the fridge group such as homeschoolers I’m still a bit outcast. I’m Pagan, an eco-nut, and liberal. That alone can make it hard for me to jump into many conversations with other homeschoolers.
Don’t you think everyone feels like they are on the fringe, sometimes, and depending on the group they are in? Superficially I think I look like a typical Christian homeschooling mommy, but I frequently get the “you have two heads” look when I’m in that circle, due to my lack of grade-level based curriculum and my hesitance to adhere to the standard creationists’ view. And of course sometimes folks just think all Christians are goofballs because some are. (Of course I’m making broad generalizations here, on purpose.)
Though I am sick of the word diversity, there’s no denying I like it in my blog reading and my conversation. When mommies get together and all agree on everything, it may be comfy but it can get pretty dull. I find women get their feelings hurt so easily when there is disagreement – as though their own opinions and, perhaps, very lives are being attacked. I prefer conversations where there are differences of opinion, and good discussion about it. Sad to say, I think men do better at this than women – at least in my experience.
Yes, it’s awesome when people can agree to disagree, but yet still have rich conversations and possibly open one another’s minds a bit. What I meant in my post is the people who have pre-conceived notions and aren’t interested in further conversation once they “know” where I am coming from. I think that’s sad.
I enjoy your reading your blog and I check in usually a few times a week. All of your posts are interesting and real which I think is great. I also totally understand how you feel about fitting in whether it’s in the mommy blogging world or elsewhere.
Your blog is terrific.. your views are interesting and I am totally with you on this one:
“I believe in the power of true capitalism and small government. I believe in the US Constitution. And as IâÂÂve said many times on this blog, I believe that self-responsibility is the most important trait a person can have.”
Bravo for using blogging as your vehicle to freedom of the press and free speech.
As for what people think about what I have to say… I am over 50 and couldn’t care less .. my days of trying to please everyone are over. It’s all about me now baby. (well.. I’ll retract that only in the area of my husband and sometimes my children and occasionally my mother).
I could have written your second paragraph above with one exception–I’m a Christian. I try not to let what others think of me or my opinions concern me, but I don’t like feeling like a weirdo and I still leave some of my blog posts in Draft mode without ever publishing them because I’m not sure how they’ll be received. Not just because of what I say but because of others’ preconceived notions and assumptions about what I believe as a homeschooler, Christian, American, or whatever.
Pssst…don’t tell anyone…but I consider myself a libertarian.
Oops…cat’s out of the bag.
I love a good debate. One of the advantages of being “on the fringe” is that you are more likely to get people to debate with you than if you just agree. I had that issue on a different blog. I posted a “Hello…anyone reading this?” kind of post and I got about 10 replies saying…”Oh, I am reading…I just don’t comment because I always agree with you.”
I just recently started up a new blog. I mean really recently. A day ago and while searching for other mommy’s I ran across your blog.
We are in a country where the election was one by bringing “moral character a.k.a religion back home”. I have a husband who just recently returned from Iraq after a year and a half. I am a Catholic, but I certainly could never judge you for being agnostic or liberal when you feel that is the accurate and logical choice.
I must commend you for standing up for your beliefs. Being agnostic simply means by definition that you feel the evidence for or against God is inconclusive. That is your choice. I would hope you wouldn’t judge me because I do believe in God.
Keep blogging I think you have a great site here. Ignore biases, racists, critics, and judgmental people. They will only bring you down.
You have your niche and I guess we canc smile and say let them have theirs.
Shannon…I love your blog but I KNOW exactly how you feel…try being an Ex-Christian Atheist who is all over board politically, both pro-choice and pro-life, and a very relaxed home educator who strongly desires to fully embrace unschooling!
I have a Myspace (I gave you the website but require premission to add friends)and it is very hard for me to post my feelings on Christianity because I have a few Christian friends on there. I also am part of an online group for moms to meet up with other moms in the area but I stand alone on many issues! I’m not so sure these women want to meet me.
Anyway, I tried pleasing everyone my whole life and I’m tired of it, it hasn’t earned me respect but only forced me into not being true to myself. I’m 37yo and I don’t give a shit anymore. If my Christian friends can post blogs about “Jesus loves me”, then I sure as the sky is blue will post my observances of bible atrocities, contradictions, etc. And if my more liberal friends are offended by my “middle of the road” stance on abortion? Oh well.
Following up on Sandy’s comment about friends being offended by her opinions… this is what I don’t get: why people are offended by others’ opinions. Unless people are stating their opinions as fact, what’s offensive? But I see this wreck friendships all the time. I do swallow my words a lot, but wish I didn’t have to.
Margaret, I still swallow words when I’m around my Christian friends, especially when they still speak about God as loving, good, etc. knowing that I know longer believe in God…BUT no one forced me into disbelief and I’m not out to change their opinions so I just sit and take it…UNLESS one starts going off on how “sinful”, “evil”, “lost” the world is.
With my blog, I’m very careful to make sure my views of Christianity stay views on Christianity and not blanket statements on Christians as a whole. Nor do I make fun of Christians on my blog. But still, I am concerned that I may indeed lose friends over posting my views because it is hard sometimes for people to realize that I’m critiquing a viewpoint/stance and not the person themselves.
I think Sandy hit the nail on the head when she said…“But still, I am concerned that I may indeed lose friends over posting my views because it is hard sometimes for people to realize that IâÂÂm critiquing a viewpoint/stance and not the person themselves.”… I think some people just take things personally. They make everything about them. If you don’t agree with them then you aren’t worth their time. It is very sad.
I love your blog! I’ve learned a ton from you! I disagree with you on many of your views, but I don’t take your opinions personally. You always make me think and I enjoy that!
Oh, BTW, THANKS for linking to me in your “Chew the Phat” section!
I think it’s also common for people (not everyone, though) to see others’ questioning or challenging of their ideas as equivalent to an attack on their person. I know in my head that’s not how it should be, but my heart gets hurt anyway when someone openly disagrees with my views. I think acknowledging that feeling and then moving past it is the key to continuing the discussion. And the more practice I have at doing this, the easier it gets not to take it personally. In many situations, the “agreeing to disagree” stage happens immediately. For example, on many discussion forums and online groups I’ve been a part of, even reasonable debate isn’t allowed because it’s assumed that people can’t disagree without resorting to insults, name-calling, and anger.
Shauna wrote: “For example, on many discussion forums and online groups IâÂÂve been a part of, even reasonable debate isnâÂÂt allowed because itâÂÂs assumed that people canâÂÂt disagree without resorting to insults, name-calling, and anger.”
That is EXACTLY what happened to me on a local moms discussion board about two weeks ago. There was a discussion about monitoring a childs MySpace account. Some of these moms use (without their teens knowledge) a keylogger, make their teens give them passwords, read their teens emails, say who they can/can’t have on their friends list, what comments can stay and which ones have to go. Out of 20+ women, I’m the only Mom who doesn’t do any of that. I only asked ds if he’d keep his MySpace private, we discuss *safety* regularly (90% of children are molested by someone they know though…so I think this predator thing is hyped seeing how most teens aren’t suckered in by online predators), they are going to see PORN more than likely from friends, they aren’t discussing anything different than they do when they are with their friends, I don’t care if he sees cusswords, or if he has pretty girl on his page, etc….Our 12yo INVITED ME to be on his friends list. I was troubled with the *spying* being done to their children and posed the question…”How can you trust them outside the house without making them where a wiretap and video camera? Especially since most people encounter these things offline?”….not one person answered me.
Anyway, without directly replying to me,but to people who posted with the crowd, a flood of “I agree with you, you have to be the *parent*” and “you have to be a parent, not the friend”, “I’m not trying to be a *cool* Mom.” “Its my *right* as the parent to *spy* on my child”. Geesh…Forget that I’m invited to be on my sons account, that he always asks before clicking a link because he doesn’t want to infect our computer, etc. Maybe if they trusted and weren’t spying, their children would ask those parents to be on theirs too.
Boy have we opened a can of worms. I can tell we are all in agreement for open discussion without bias and judgment.
LOL
You and I have alot of the same thoughts on many things and personally, I like fringe! Fringe is good! I look good with bang fringe!
Anywho- what was I saying? Oh yeah, just say what my kids and I say whenever we have to deal with someone who is either close-minded or just doesn’t get us…
Letitgoooooo!
Don’t know how I missed this earlier, but I feel similar things sometimes. Maybe it is the same for anyone with strong opinions, I don’t know. I happen to by conservative and Christian and homeschool, which one would think would put me in a category where I would easily fit in. At least with my own little fringe movement.
But the worst and most personal criticism I have ever received has been from those I would think would have some level of understanding…being that they too are conservative, Christian homeschoolers.
I’m a homeschooling British mommyblogger so I understand what you mean about being on the fringe. I only found your blog recently but I enjoy reading here.
I enjoy reading blogs where the author has something a bit different to say. I think it’s crucial that we don’t all have the same views!
I find this a lot in mommy-circles. Have an issue with two sides and you’ll likely have a battle at some point. It starts with the “epidural or not” debate and goes from there.
As I get older (and wiser?) I start to gain the ability to step back and take a second, harder look at these things. In my mind, the debates and the judgement aren’t about the people standing on the “wrong” side of the judgemental call. Quite frankly, it lies in the insecurities of the judge.
The other Sandy to comment on here talked about her fear of sharing her views on Christianity lest someone be offended. Well, listen, I’m a Christian. I’m a Christian who is comfortable enough in her faith to not get offended by someone who’s not. Frankly EVEN comments that get personal don’t get under my skin in these environments because *I* know that the ones that matter most to me, know who I am and what I’m about. The sad thing is too many others don’t quite get that and so they see something “fringe” to borrow Shannon’s classification and they go on the defensive.
Shannon, they hide because you make them think and you make them question what they assume to be true. Instead of exploring things and confirming or re-assessing they slam the door and high-tail it out of here. Its sad. My pity, however, is reserved for them. What a rotten way to live a life – in constant fear of learning something new.
You know, we don’t have the same philosophies on certain things. I’ve not got plans to homeschool unless I decide my daughter’s allergy is not compatible with school. However, by reading your blog I’ve come to develop a new appreciation and understanding of those that DO homeschool. I’ve come to understand that if the peanut should keep my kid out of the school system I *CAN* do survive homeschooling and she *CAN* prosper within that environment. My point is, we’re different and yet we can still grow and learn from one another – I value that. Thank you for blogging and giving me that chance to explore something new to me.