Family Dynamics

// 11.27.06 // Filed under: My Daughter, My Son, Parenting

Lately I’ve been noticing this emerging pattern in our family dynamics that has been disturbing me. I am more tolerant of my son’s misbehaviors and personality quirks than I am of my daughter’s.

My son is me. He has my personality: Type A; a bit low on patience; easily frustrated. I empathize with him when something sets him off, and I am able to help him work through it. We understand each other. My daughter, on the other hand, seems to have more of my husband in her: mischievous; cunning; sometimes obstinate. When she acts out, I don’t feel the same empathy. Instead, I look at her like she’s an alien.

I’m having a hard time getting a handle on these feelings. Why am I so annoyed by her misdeeds? Is it because she is so different than me? Is it because when she’s “bad” it seems she acts on purpose whereas L seems to be reacting to an emotional struggle (which I understand)? And if I feel this way now, can you just imagine how we’ll clash when she’s a teenager?

It’s also interesting that L & I were first-born children, while Dad & C are second-born. So is this family dynamic a mother-son thing? A first-born thing? A personality thing? Whatever it is, I hope it passes with time and I grow to understand my little firecracker daughter a bit better.

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4 Responses to “Family Dynamics”

Deanna says:

11.27.06 at 10:45 pm

Oh man! You just described our family (but with an added child). My sone and I (both first born) are the same. I also tend to empathise more with him then with my daurghter who is more like my husband (middle children). It is crazy how that happens. I try to balance it by talking to my husband about her behavior so I can better understand. I also take more time, when we are getting along, to just talk with her and find out what she is thinking, what makes her tick, so to speak. I think it helps me see where she is coming from…but believe me I am not looking forward to the teen years!

Good Luck!
Angela, Mother Crone says:

11.28.06 at 8:37 am

I find this so interesting. I have struggled for years, albeit with the opposite situation. I have much more patience with Girlfriend, for she is like my DH- level and practical in her personality. She is fun, somewhat quiet, and very witty. Scout is like me, or the me I am always working to conquer…know-it-all, stubborn, self-absorbed center of the universe. I have so much less tolerance for those traits in him, because it reminds me of all the things about myself I work so hard to get away from!
I think, just being aware of it is going to help you to react differently and more positively. I often need to take the “deep breath before responding” approach with Scout…and it has made our relationship all the better!
Mary Tsao says:

11.29.06 at 7:28 pm

I am aware that I do this same thing. I have much less tolerance for acting up when it’s my daughter misbehaving than when it’s my son. Ahhh! It makes me feel horrible. I try very hard not to play favorites, but I feel it’s so obvious.

I can only imagine the fights in the tween/teen years. Oye.
Lindsey says:

12.6.06 at 8:34 pm

I think that all parents tend to think like you are right now. My mom went through the same thing. Most parents have a strong connection with one child and not such a strong connection with the other.