It’s the Parenting, Stupid
Filed Under: Freedom & Politics, Homeschooling, Parenting
In the original Back to the Future movie there is a scene where the father of the 1955 Lorraine comments on Marty McFly’s behavior: “He’s an idiot. Comes from upbringing. His parents are probably idiots, too.”
I can’t help thinking of this scene while reading the recent flurry of articles and blog posts calling attention to unschooling.
Dr. Phil stated that he had “no thirst for knowledge” as a boy and that if he was taken out of school, he’d be a “vegetable” today.
“It is not clear to me how they will transition to a structured world and meet the most basic requirements for reading, writing and math,” said Luis Huerta, a professor of public policy and education at Teachers College of Columbia University, in a New York Times article.
And Bonnie Erbe writes in her column for US News and World Report, “It’s an entirely larger question whether “unschooled” kids can enter the real and highly structured (or schooled) world and succeed without the requisite navigational skills.”
Ahem. People seem to think that anything other than traditional (which - ha! - isn’t really all that traditional seeing as how the public school system is only about 150 years old) schooling — public school, private school, or strictly-guided, curriculum-based, school at home — is equivalent to child neglect.
What I’d like to know is what about parenting? I don’t have any statistics handy, but I’d be willing to bet that a statistically greater percentage of people with problems struggling to succeed and survive in the “real world” - petty criminals and the like - can trace those problems back to the way they were parented than to the way they were schooled. Although I recall reading somewhere that a number of murderers didn’t appreciate the method of socialization their schools provided.
Unschooled children do and will continue to enter the structured world without so much as a hiccup, because they’ve been living in the structured world for all of their formative years. Parents who unschool do not sit on the couch and eat bonbons, tossing aside all responsibility for raising and educating their children. And do not forget that these are our responsibilities as parents - not the responsibilities of the government. Parents who unschool model living in the structured world. They teach them right from wrong. They facilitate their children’s passions. Does anyone really think that a child could watch TV and play video games all day, every day for the 12 years that they might have spent in public school? Of course not. Children want to function in the world. They want to be independent, get a job, find a career that they love. And that desire fuels their learning.
One blogger recently called unschooling parents lazy. Lazy parenting is abdicating your responsibilities to the government (aka public school) and then crying about it when your child falls short.
It’s sad to me that many, if not most, adults in the US are seemingly unable to comprehend the notion of growing free-thinkers. It’s scary to me that many, if not most, adults in the US are so far “in” the system that they don’t even realize the extent to which their children are being controlled and groomed to be good little citizens that follow the status quo and depend on the government to provide for their every need and solve their every problem.
Here’s an interesting excerpt from Against School by John Taylor Gatto:
We have been taught (that is, schooled) in this country to think of “success” as synonymous with, or at least dependent upon, “schooling,” but historically that isn’t true in either an intellectual or a financial sense. And plenty of people throughout the world today find a way to educate themselves without resorting to a system of compulsory secondary schools that all too often resemble prisons. Why, then, do Americans confuse education with just such a system?
Success in life comes when a person has high self-esteem and has learned that they can learn anything. These skills are taught by good parenting, not by schooling.
PHAT = Parenting, Homeschooling And Technology. That about sums up my life at the moment. 
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Margaret | Dec 1, 2006 | Reply
On self-esteem… how about “success comes… when a person has high *earned* self-esteem…” Unearned self-esteem is worthless. Perhaps that is implied in the latter part of your sentence.
heather | Dec 1, 2006 | Reply
Excellent post! We homeschool our three boys because we do not see success in the public school system. Why would we accept anything less than the best for our sons education?
Angela,Mother Crone | Dec 1, 2006 | Reply
You tell ‘em, sister! If only someone like Dr. Phil would have the courage to have someone articulate this truth! Although more classical than unschooler, I can only imagine that all this backlash is just people internalizing some parts of the truth, and admitting that they are not willing to “parent” in that way, despite a society that necessitates it!
Jess | Dec 1, 2006 | Reply
If I could send my child to “your” school, I would. I’m sure Luke & Leia will be better educated than much of the general population. No doubt about it. As far as public school goes, I figure the kids are in school about 6 hours in a day. How much of that time is actually spent learning? (In between interruptions by the unruly or those lagging behind, administrative B.S., lunch, recess, and “specials,” i.e. library, P.E., music). As a busy, working mom, my only choice right now is public or private school. Private school is not my choice, for practical and other reasons, so public is what I’m “stuck” with. I wonder every day if this is where my son should be…I feel helpless and in the dark most of the time with regard to his education. Communicating with the overwhelmed teachers and administrators is almost impossible. I feel it will be time for a change very soon, although I’m not sure what we’ll do. Maybe a combo of home/public school. I’m just going to have to work less and become more involved. I envy and applaud your involvement in your children’s education. They are so lucky. Their instruction is tailored especially for them and is 1 on 1. Maybe a visit to the Dr. Phil show is in order, Phatmommy?
k_baz | Dec 1, 2006 | Reply
I have always planned to homeschool, even as a teen before I had kids. Unschooling I can see has its advantages, but there is one thing I find unsettling about it which I don’t believe you have addressed yet.
What is your take on unschoolers who don’t teach their children to learn how to read until they’re “ready”? This can mean 8, 9, or 10 from what I have been reading.
I learned to read when I was 4, and even though I didn’t always “like” learning, I truly believe it one of the best things my parents ever did for me. I feel as though a fondness for reading is CRUCIAL to success in any capacity and should be cultivated early.
Also, just out of curiosity, how does other learning get done without the ability to read?
Again, this isn’t an attack on unschooling. It’s just a question I have and since I value your opinion I figured I’d bring it to you!
Shannon | Dec 1, 2006 | Reply
k_baz writes: “I feel as though a fondness for reading is CRUCIAL to success in any capacity and should be cultivated early.”
Thanks for your comment. You have partially answered the question yourself, I think. Fondness for reading is important, but many children who are *forced* to read end up hating it.
Young children learn through experience and by being offered a rich environment. Children don’t need to read a manual to learn to walk, speak or eat. Again, I will point out that PARENTING is important here! If a parent never reads to their child, never models a love of reading, never provides games and books that might encourage their child to read, well, that is neglect. But forcing a child to learn to read if they resist is a mistake in my opinion.
How can you possibly learn if you can’t read? Well, when a child is motivated to learn something that requires reading, you’d be amazed at how fast they pick it up. My son learned to read all on his own because he wanted to read the cards on a Star Wars trading card game.
I can agree that it is a tough mindset to embrace. I had a hard time with it at first. I wanted to be sure my child “kept up” with others his age. But slowly, through experience and through interacting with your child, you realize how they learn and how to give them the tools they need to succeed. I simply believe that forced learning is ultimately useless.
Charity | Dec 1, 2006 | Reply
“How can you possibly learn if you can’t read?”
My 8-year-old son does not read well. He was in school through grade 1 and the school said his reading was good. When I decided to homeschool (when he was starting second grade), I discovered that he could barely read! I was furious.
Anyway, he still struggles with reading and I do not push him. It is a very frustrating subject. He is improving and does so mostly when I do not push it.
He learns all kids of things. For science, he watched videos and does experiments. And field trips! For math, I read the lessons to him and he works out the problems himself. For the social studies, either I read to him or my 9yo son does. We do a lot of the learning together, since they are so close in age.
I do language arts with him by reading the lessons and discussing. You can learn grammar and form without reading it yourself. He does write and copy things, though.
When he is ready, he will be a great reader, I am sure of it. Everybody else in our family loves to read. We read to the kids and my husband and I read instead of watching TV often. I see no good in pushing him to do it.
(PS Shannon, Vader is much cooler than Purdue!)
Stephanie | Dec 1, 2006 | Reply
What is your take on unschoolers who don’t teach their children to learn how to read until they’re “ready”? This can mean 8, 9, or 10 from what I have been reading.
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Had to jump in on this one, since my son did not learn to read until around 8. “Late” by school standards but perfectly “on time” for him.
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I learned to read when I was 4, and even though I didn’t always “like” learning, I truly believe it one of the best things my parents ever did for me. I feel as though a fondness for reading is CRUCIAL to success in any capacity and should be cultivated early.
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I definitely agree that a love of reading should be cultivated early. And I did that with my son. He has always had a passion for good books and good stories. This did not translate to early reading.
Reading is like walking…some kids are ready to read early like 4. Others are ready to read at a later time like my son. You can not make a child walk before they are ready. You can not make a child read before they are ready. You can however make a child think they are dumb or learn to hate reading if you push them before they are ready.
My son is almost 10 now and you would never know that he started “late”
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Also, just out of curiosity, how does other learning get done without the ability to read?
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The same way he learned when he was 3, 4, 5 etc. By doing and playing. This is one of the great things about homeschooling. Not being able to read is NOT a hinderance. We learn in all sorts of different manners…I read books all the time (still do), he listened to audio books (still does), he watched lots of videos, tv shows etc, he played computer/video games, we did hands on stuff.
Not reading did not hold him back. I could read anything that he needed me to. This would not work with a teacher who has 30+ kids. It works beautifully for us at home. And the most important thing is that he absolutely loves books and reading.
Margaret | Dec 1, 2006 | Reply
When I was trying to force my son to do phonics work before he was ready, he started losing the love of books he’d had since he was a baby. Now, at 9 1/2, he is doing pretty well. He still struggles a bit, but his reading really took off when we put away the phonics books and let it happen naturally.
But he will listen to me read anything I want him to learn, and his audio memory is incredible. He remembers more than I do of the things I read. And he makes connections between things he’s learning and things he’s already learned. Learning without reading… happens all the time!
Rachel Whetzel | Dec 2, 2006 | Reply
I currently do not homeschool my own children, but I LIVE in their classrooms. I have knowlege to comment on this post because I am the PRODUCT of homeschool. I was homeschooled through 9th grade, tried the public school system for 2 and 1/2 years, and left to finish back at home.
Phat mommy, you TOTALLY hit the nail on the head. It’s all about the parenting. My husband is a Sheriff’s Deputy, and when he runs across delinquent or socially unacceptable children, it’s THE PARENTS who are generally to blame. The kids who are going to end up habitually incarcerated, have parents who are not available. The reasons are varied.
One thing that I find particularly interesting about Unschooling misconceptions is that most uninformed persons who speak out on the subject seem to assume that not forcing a subject=uninvolved. Quite the contrary. Just because you aren’t focusing on a subject absolutely DOES NOT mean that you aren’t involved in OTHER areas of study. Also, one should not assume that just because you aren’t using a text book to learn something, you aren’t learning through DOING. There are many CREATIVE ways to incoorperate math, science, reading skills, into everyday life.
On another note, I’d like to comment on waiting to read. I personally, was READY to read at an early age. I think there needs to be that distinction. Being ready to read, and being kept FROM it, is NOT what waiting to teach reading is about. It’s about knowing where YOUR child is at. Meeting him in that PLACE. Teaching to ABILITY. Many children are not ABLE to read so young. I don’t have the source, but there are studies that have shown that the parts of the brain that process readin skill aren’t fully developed until 8 or older. Then there is the gender differences. As un PC as they are, it is true that boys IN GENERAL learn and enjoy math sooner, and girls tend to read better and sooner. The whole point of HOMESCHOOL (UN or Otherwise) is to meet your child where they are. To allow them to set the pace. Is it really such a tragedy for them to be confident that they can DO the work they set out to? Is it really so terrible that they have confidence in their ability to understand a subject? Is it so horrible that they be taught the SKILLS to seek AND FIND the knowlege they desire?
True. Reading is generally a necessity to learning. HOWEVER- THIS is where PARENTING comes into homeschool play. We must READ to our children the things they desire to learn. We must HELP them when they are not able to know without help. Soon, as natural need for independance grows, children DESIRE to read because they don’t LIKE not being able to seek and find on their own. I could go on and on forever about this, but alas, this is not MY blog.
Stephanie | Dec 2, 2006 | Reply
Well…I felt the need to expand on my comments over here, so I ended up writing my own post about it over on my blog…feel free to check it out!
http://throwingmarshmallows.homeschooljournal.net/2006/12/02/233/
Maria P. | Dec 4, 2006 | Reply
That is so sad that so many supposedly “schooled” folks would be so close minded to home schooling.
I don’t homeschool because I am sure I don’t have the patience or know how but I we were involved in co-op for a few years (also something “traditional” parents look down on).
I happen to know a handful of children who are homeschooled and they are just as well adjusted and educated as any other kids.
Homeschooling to me, seems like a wonderful opportunity to introduce other mediums of learning that a child might not otherwise encounter at a regular school. The same thing kind of happens in the co-op we used to be in. Different ways of learning and exploring and the kids were engaged and learning to love learning.
Ave | Dec 7, 2006 | Reply
Hi Shannon! Thanks for popping by my blog.
Isn’t it funny how everyone wonders how unschoolers (and homeschoolers) will survive without going to a traditional school? Sticking your kids in public school is not the answer for everything. I love it how Dr. Phil and others criticize the idea of unschooling without ever trying it. I would imagine that Dr. Phil would be a good homeschool parent. Too bad those who criticize often do so without any knowledge of their subject.
mcewen | Dec 9, 2006 | Reply
Developing ‘free thinkers.’ Oh, don’t I just wish……it’s not that easy, but we’re working on it. Thanks for your up-lifting post.
Cheers
Parenting Articles | May 6, 2008 | Reply
Good insights! Home is where we learn our first knowledge and we can never argue to that. What our parents taught us and the upbringing they showed us will remain forever even if it is good or bad and this will influence us as we become adults.
-Jan
Maddy | May 6, 2008 | Reply
An interesting read, thank you. Hopefully our children learn from a combination of all three, their parents, their ’schooling’ and society at large.
Best wishes
Maddy’s last blog post..Social skills for typical kids