The Mommy War Inside My Brain
// 7.3.06 // Filed under: Parenting, Thriving
IâÂÂve always felt very strongly that mothers should stay at home with their children, especially for the first few years. But recently IâÂÂve been having some conflicted feelings about motherhood. It’s my own private “mommy war”: Wanting more for myself without feeling like IâÂÂm letting my family down.
When my first child was born, I worked part time. At home. For myself. Within a year, my business was successful enough that my husband quit his job and joined me. We split our days 60/40, where I worked about 40% of the time. When L was about 9 months old we found a wonderful sitter who played with him for a few hours a day, a couple days a week.
While we had our share of frustrations and stress in owning our own business and raising a young child, we had a good thing going on. My husband and I shared the inspirations and the challenges. We had exciting jobs and a good sitter. We exercised and had date nights. We got to spend plenty of quality time with our son and experience all the joy that a baby brings. It was blissful balance. (OK, maybe it wasnâÂÂt always blissful, but the balance part was there.)
When L was 2 years old, we moved to a new home. It was too far for our sitter to travel (although she did make the 45+ minute drive on several Sundays, the sweet thing). We had sold our business to an internet content syndication company. They hired us to continue working with the business, paying our salaries until… they went bankrupt.
My husband rebounded immediately by building a new business of his own in an industry I wasnâÂÂt the least bit interested in. So there I was â no job, no sitter. I tried on a few different âÂÂcareers,â never really finding a good fit. Then it hit me – I did have a job! I was a mother! And although my child was only 2 â I was a homeschooling mother! Oh, the responsibility! I didnâÂÂt need a career because I had a child to raise and that was the most important job on Earth.
But somehow I never felt quite right. When some of my friends went back to work I thought, âÂÂThat must really be hard for them to leave their children.â And secretly I thought, âÂÂThat must be really great for them to have something for themselves.â Then IâÂÂd shake it off and remind myself how lucky I was to be able to stay home with my kids. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. Breakfast, lunch, dinner.
Fast forward 5 years to today. After dealing with depression, therapy and the slow demise of anything remotely resembling a peaceful, smooth-running household, IâÂÂm finally realizing that I have never gotten over the loss of that business I built. IâÂÂve suppressed the guilt I feel for wanting the business, the whole lifestyle, back again. IâÂÂm a mother. IâÂÂm a wife. IsnâÂÂt that enough?
For some parents it is enough. For others, itâÂÂs not. And thatâÂÂs OK. It doesnâÂÂt mean I love my family any less. I am 100% committed to being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mother. But itâÂÂs OK to want more. Not only is it OK, it sets a fine example. ItâÂÂs healthy for my children to see me taking care of myself and pursuing my passions. Logically I know this. Emotionally I still feel caught in the mommy war inside my brain.
Being a mother, working outside or stay-at-home, is the ultimate responsibility. You are creating a human being. ThatâÂÂs heavy stuff, no matter how you slice it. My mommy war may always be a part of me. Indeed, it may be a part of every mother. We want to give everything to our family, but we need to give something to ourselves.
One Day At A Time
How Did I Get HERE? Part I
Two Years of Bloggity Disarray
9 Responses to “The Mommy War Inside My Brain”
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OK, So lets’ start a small business together. It takes huge amounts of time and devotion to get something off the ground. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. In fact I’m just about to take the plunge again. But, like you, my time is limited and my children come first. We both have spouses that would help (I assume).
I’ve found that when I partner with someone who I get along with well, the project goes much faster.
Rich
PS – Here’s a little secret. Don’t tell anyone. Everytime I watch Small Business School
(www.smallbusinessschool.com)
on PBS I cry. It’s in my blood. It’s my energy. I love it. I love the feeling of providing a service or product to people. The feeling of helping others while I make money at it. It’s addicting. So, I know how you feel.
I sound like a broken record to those that hear me often, but I don’t care. My mother set a good example and I have adopted it as my own — My kids, my family – they come first. There is NO doubt about that. BUT, sometimes wha tis best for my family is doing what is best for me at that moment. I can’t be a good wife, a good mother…a good anything if I’m trying to hard to be only good at one of those things. It’s only when my life is in balance – when I’m catering to all the parts of myself and stretching every muscle – that I’m effective and whole.
For me, that means I either work part-time or volunteer using those same skills (based on money needs, it means work part-time now…and volunteer too.) For me it means having a weekend away every year with my mom. It means having having the occasional girls night out. It means having my silly blog and my giddy phone calls with friends. It means having my hobbies and my date nights. It means having time alone with one child at a time. It allows me to balance. It allows me to be whole…and that wholeness *is* what is best for my kids.
Been There, Done That – Won the War. Now buidling a business out of the experience.
I think that’s a perfectly normal feeling. The only women/mothers who don’t feel that way are the few who find all their fullfullment at home and the ones who lie about it to themselves. (IMHO) I hope you find that thing that will fullfill YOU.
Hi Shannon,
Strikes a chord, so much so I had to write a linked article over at mine.
Oh Shannon, I have been there with you on that. When the kids are young and so demanding, even the most committed mother feels overwhelmed. Especially one that has had success in the business world. There are no kudos, no bonus checks, on camraderie with clients or co-workers.
I went through the same thing at various times during their early years. The truth, I found, was that I could not dedicate myself to building a business at that time, or to working 20 hours or so outside the home. I was more stressed, and more miserable. I was not doing a good enough job anywhere, and that is when the real depression hit.
The solution was fill the camraderie area of my life. I got into scrapbooking, and crochet. If I met someone at a class Ireally enjoyed, I followed up on it. Scrapbooking was especially wonderful in finding other young moms who needed friends and time away. I joined an in person book club, and that evening once a month with adults having adult conversation was amazing! Search these things out!!
I’m a product of the woman’s lib movement and, for the most part, I am grateful. My daughter is 15 now and the opportunities she has as a result are phenomonal — she takes it for granted that any career, any sport — ANYTHING is possible for women. Glass ceiling aisde, the choices are awesome.
For me, what I’ve learned is that it isn’t possible to “have it all”…you can have parts of it all, but to truly have it all (marriage, career, family, meaningful volunteer work and free time)isn’t possible. Somewhere, some part will suffer and most likely it’ll be you. I worked full time when I didn’t have kids, then went back part-time after my daughter was born. My boss was supportive in every way and it did work. When we moved, I didn’t work even though my boss offered to set up a home office for me. I thought the move & new motherhood were more than I could handle. I got involved in various child-centered groups as well as our Newcomer’s Club. It was good — for awhile. When I needed more, I started joining clubs and volunteering in town and at the schools. That worked fine too. Now, I’m ready for the nest step and will interview for a part time job. Not interested in full time as I’ve realized that during the high school years, it’s more important than ever to be available. It is very important that your children see you do something that is meaningful to YOU. Doesn’t matter what it is as long as they see that you value yourself and your contributions.
In my book group there are women at all stages…working full time, part time or not at all. In discussions, we’ve discovered that we ALL second guess our choices at some point. All you can do is go forward with what you think is best at the time. There’s no magic answer and certainly no one right way.
We will not always be “mommy’s”. As the years progress, it turns to “mom”, maybe “mother-in-law” and then perhaps “grandma”. As I read about all the mommy bloggers who are living and dying on that role, I can’t help but wonder about being so passionate about something that will shift and change. I say enjoy the moment, don’t make an idol out of it and get ready for the next big thing so you don’t come up empty-handed,dealing with a profound loss of being empty-nested.
I haven’t been reading your blog for long, but thank you for your honesty in this. I believe we come from different world views on this, but I agree. While parenting is an important task and one of the most important that we can devote ourselves, it is not the sum of who we are and what we were created to be. I had similar struggles which you can read here.
We were created for work. That doesn’t have to be a 9 to 5 job, but it helps give purpose and meaning to each day.
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