Personal Sequestering
Mother Crone’s Homeschool writes about a wonderful gift her family gave her after the holidays. She took three glorious days and sequestered herself in her room to read and recharge her batteries.
It’s this type of private time that is lacking in my life. I get a couple hours a day to myself, but usually with many interruptions or with a feeling of “I better hurry up and get such-and-such done while I have some free time.”
I need quiet time. Lots of noise, loud music, too much talking… these things make my nerves raw. I am elated when I get to be in my house alone. However, being a stay-at-home mom means I get very little quiet time.
I know that when I take care of myself, I am better able to take care of others. I would love to have a few hours alone each day to go to the health club without the stress of rushing through a workout because my child is not happy in the club nursery, to read, to write, to soak in a bath or paint my fingernails. But as a full-time mother and wife, do I have the right to demand such total and complete private time on a regular basis? Is it true, as Dr. Laura Schlessinger says, that this is my job and it ends when my children move out? Or is it better for my children to learn to adapt to my needs?
In your parenting experience, do you adapt or do they?
PHAT = Parenting, Homeschooling And Technology. That about sums up my life at the moment. 
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Sarah | Jan 18, 2006 | Reply
I think there is a give and take on both ends. I give my children what they need and love them unconditionally but I know that if I do not have MY own time I would not be the mother I am. My kids are healthy, well-adjusted kids because their lives are balanced. I believe we DESERVE our own time…away from everything. I also LOVE time home alone. Although, sometimes when I am home alone I tend to do “stuff” whether it is laundry, bills, etc… So, for me the most relaxing thing is to go the spa or just walk around Home Goods! It is an hour or so of my time to just enjoy. And, yes sometimes I feel guilt or feel like I need to rush home but then I remind myself that this is MY time. A Friday night of just getting dinner with my girlfriends is also a good outing for me. It relieves my stress and I get caught up on the gossip! I put at least one child to bed before I leave so I have no feelings of guilt leaving the other with my husband. So, yes…I do believe you should demand private time whether at home or at the gym. Not everyone is the same. Some mothers may not need this time but for those of us who do…go for it. You will be happier and so will all those around you!
Sara Lewis | Jan 18, 2006 | Reply
My husband put up a sign that says “If momma ain’t happy - nobody’s happy”. It’s his way of reminding himself and me that I need to be renewed and cared for just like everyone else. I’ve signed up for classes at my local community center, and left the kid with him for one night a week so I can go draw or do pottery or whatever. Everyone needs to have their batteries recharged - the difference is what does that for us. I think it’s good for kids to realize their mother has needs too - otherwise they can grow up either expecting to be waited on or expecting that they have to wait on others. Compromise all around.
Anonymous | Jan 18, 2006 | Reply
I agree with Sara. Take some night classes - in something you are interested in. Maybe it has to do with the kids, maybe not. I have learned how to cook some delicious meals at the various culinary classes I’ve taken. Yes, that makes mealtime more pleasant for my family, but it is also something I enjoy.
I think guilting yourself about wanting time for yourself is a battle many of us SAHM’s face. Since we believe we have it so ‘easy’ being at home and not out there working. I know am doing part time work two full days a week, and I can tell you honestly - being home is a LOT harder!
It is also better for your DH and kids to have time without you to ‘run to’ for help. They can have their own fun times together and bond in that special Dad/kid way
As for time alone in your own house - now there is a problem I haven’t found a solution for yet! LOL
Vamp-In-Training
Mother Crone's Homeschool | Jan 19, 2006 | Reply
I think personal time comes as a cyclical thing for SAHM moms, and the amounts of time you can take for your self grows as your children do. ALthough I sometimes wanted larger amounts of me-time when the kids were toddlers, I often found it was more stressful and usually unsuccessful, because I knew they needed me.
As they grew, we were all more and more comfortable with me taking time for me, because my children were more self-entertaining. Thus, less guilt for me = more pleasure doing things for me.
Enjoy the little chunks now, because it is a temporary. Your time will come!
Anonymous | Jan 19, 2006 | Reply
Stop listening to Dr. Laura! IMHO,
she does a lot of harm to women in general and particularly SAHMs.
Your children will benefit from seeing you do things that interest you and make you happy. You’ll be recharged and excited to be with them if you take me-time. If you’re content and personally fulfilled, they’ll feel the effects.
Holly | Jan 19, 2006 | Reply
I think there needs to be a happy medium. Children come first and depend on us, but we are human and can only do so much. We need uninteruppted alone time, and time with other adults. I’ve found that happy parents have happier kids. As much as my son is the center of my life. When I get me time, my batteries are recharged and I am better able to deal with all that I have to deal with as a single parent. Otherwise I start to feel overwhelmed and I take things out on my son when I shouldn’t. Granted he is 12 not 2 and as such can handle being on his own for short periods, but even when he was little, I would leave him with a caregiver for short periods if only to take a short walk.
trixie | Jan 20, 2006 | Reply
Shannon, it is your job and it won’t end for a long time, but that doesn’t mean you need to work at it 24/7. When one chooses to live in the reality that is a family, s/he must learn to adapt and compromise a bit. It’s a team effort. Moms need breaks just like everyone else and if dads and kids aim to be a part of a successful clan, they need to find ways to grant moms some breaks (just as moms need to grant dads). Perhaps several hours every day would be asking too much in some families, but certainly some quiet time each day and longer stretches every weekend (plus a few self-chosen bigger get-aways several times a year) seem realistic to me. And if your family can swing a bit more for you (as mine can), probably all the better.
And the reality is that the kids do adapt. My boys know, for example, that Daddy showers them and puts them to bed each night (except Thursdays and Sundays, which are breaks for Dad) while I bathe and put the baby to bed most every night. It’s also become routine for me to leave for my evening aerobics classes when Daddy comes home from work… there are no complaints or tears from anyone about this and thus no reason for feelings of guilt to overtake me. I’ve determined that it’s good and necessary to my goal of creating a healthy, happy family for me to get out alone (and to exercise!) and for Dad to take an active role in childcare for at least some time each day. And, fortunately, Dad agrees!
Sounds cliche, I guess, but I think each family simply needs to find the balance that works best. For some, this may mean actually sitting down and drawing out a specific game plan and scheduled breaks. You have to remember that when determining what you consider virtuous behavior, you need to consider your goals. There is no categorical “right” and “wrong” handed to us. We need to evaluate reality, the nature of human beings (including the nature of our psychology, relationships, families, etc.) and then ask ourselves: what course of action best achieves my goals? If/when you determine that having re-charging breaks is important to your goal of creating a healthy, happy family, you will be able to ask for and accept those breaks without guilt and with much greater comfort. You will then have determined that it’s the “right” thing to do.
Now on that note, I gotta go get ready for my Friday night kickboxing class!
Henry Cate | Jan 26, 2006 | Reply
My wife and I have a tradition, each year my wife and her sister get away for about a week. They don’t play the whole time. For example last year they got together with their mother’s sister and one of their mother’s brothers. They scanned in about a thousand old family pictures.
Five days a week I head off to work. And it is work, but there is a break in going back and forth between the roles of being a father and being the provider. My wife pretty much is always in the mommy role.
The once a year trips my wife takes with her sister have been refreshing. She has a good time. And she is rejuvenated afterwards.