Follow-Up on The Lesson
A couple comments have been made about my post on L’s swim lesson and I want to make some clarifications. I appreciate my readers’ comments about “easing him into” things. Believe me, I have been trying for six years. I helped him along and did everything with him, believing that he would separate from me in his own time. I am completely supportive of his fears and feelings. Probably over-supportive.
We’ve taken many lessons and I’ve been right there with him. I was the only person over the age of eight on the ice at ice skating lessons. I stood by him through tumbling, bowling and more. He is now 6 3/4 years old. And he will not do anything without a parent with him. He knows if he puts up a fight, I will go with him. I have reinforced this behavior and essentially taught him that he doesn’t need to do things on his own. I could give countless examples. Instead of becoming more independent, he is becoming more dependent.
I don’t believe in forcing him to do things. But it is time to teach him that participating in an activity without Mom around can be fun and rewarding.
PHAT = Parenting, Homeschooling And Technology. That about sums up my life at the moment. 
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Anonymous | Jul 15, 2005 | Reply
my first anonymous comment was actually intended as sarcasm.
i think if a child of almost 7 is not ready to separate, then he is simply not ready to separate.
has this behaviour been reinforced by an overly protective parent? perhaps. but i don’t see how leaving a screaming child with a stranger is going to lead to fostering independence.
Shannon | Jul 16, 2005 | Reply
Ah, sarcasm. I suspected that first post was a little too off-color to be for real, but I didn’t want to assume. Well, anonymous, I’m not sure who you are or what your background is, but I am always interested in hearing suggestions from others. Here’s a situation: Your child has 2 cousins and 2 close friends playing in a “day care” situation at the gym. These are 4 boys that normally your child loves to play with. You try to encourage him to go in and play with them while you go work out. He refuses. He actually *runs away.* When one of the boys comes out to say hello, your child will not even speak to him. Won’t even look at *his own cousin.* What do you do? Do you forget about your workout and go home? And just how long does this continue? How many years do you put your life on hold to accommodate (and even encourage) the social anxieties of your child?
trixie | Jul 16, 2005 | Reply
I DO know the Padawan and I don’t agree with the two anonymous statements (by the way, the sarcasm from “anonymous #1″ was not very clear to me either). Being “simply not ready” just doesn’t hold water forever. One could say that their 35-year-old child simply isn’t ready to hold a job and support himself, but in a case such as this, I’d certainly question the expectations and incentives the parents have set up for this “child”. At some point, one has to make a decision that a behavior is getting outside the range of age-appropriate and in need of more than gentle prodding. Perhaps we could discuss where exactly this point should be in this particular case, but it IS somewhere. It’s a parent’s job to determine such points and ensure that her child remains on track to become an independent, successful, and happy adult. Shannon has tried the gentle prodding approach for years with no success and has reached the point where she thinks it’s become necessary to be firmer in her expectations.
I do agree about being respectful and supportive — recognizing and sympathizing with feelings of anxiety, trying first to ease into situations, etc. And I know Shannon does this and has been doing this for years. But being respectful and sympathetic does not mean catering to irrational behaviors/thoughts or allowing your child to control and rearrange everyone else’s life. Recognizing and validating emotions is fine, but I think that validating the irrational thoughts behind them by continually catering to them and rearranging your life to accommodate them is a very harmful message to send to a child. Such an attitude works against the development of accountability and self-responsibility and suggests to a child that no matter how irrational his fears and anxieties, it is his job to simply feel and others’ job to accommodate and cater.
momtaxi | Jul 16, 2005 | Reply
Trixie is TOTALLY right…at some point, Padawan is going to HAVE to go it alone. Better you do it now. At some point, Mom (or Dad) simply won’t be there and you don’t want a child (or an adult especially) to be in a situation where he can’t act independently or maturely.
Anonymous | Jul 18, 2005 | Reply
Shannon, you describe a tough situation, and I can see your frustration, and yet I cannot see that your solution is ethical or compasionate.
Since he knows the children he is playing with, and plays with them well in your presence, there must be something else that is bothering him. This something else must be pretty drastic and dramatic for him, otherwise he would not cry and cling to you or his dad.
Have you talked to him? Have you asked him for reasons?
Even if there is no logical reason, he must be really fearful of being left alone with strangers, or even with friends. I don’t see how responding by forcing him into scary situations can ever help him. Yes, eventually he might give up, and on the surface it will look like he is doing okay, but on the inside he will likely lose his trust in you, and will remain as fearful as before. On the other hand, he might not be able to master it, and he might end up with phobias, anxieties, insecurites. Is it worth it?
Do you really think he will never separate? Do you think he will be 15 and asking you to go on the dates with him? Or room in with him in college?
He is on a different schedule, and by homeschooling you are accommodating his schedule, if not, what’s the point? He is not ready, and it is tough, and frustrating, and even infurinating. And yet what are hoping to achieve by forcing him into this?
Even if you have encouraged him to be dependent, these drastic measures sound way too cruel, and, most importantly, futile and counterproductive.
How would I deal with the situation?
I would talk to him about it first. See what he has to say. If he does not feel like talking about it, I would give him time. Then I would create short, safe situations for him to be left on his own. It has to be something that he likes doing. Most kids just don’t LOVE swimming. It has to be something he is passionate about. He needs to know that you will be right back. I would start with leaving him literally for a minute. When he is gaining confidence, I would encrease the time. Then gradually transfer his confidence into new situations. I would expect this last for quite a while.
He will get there by himself. You cannot ‘teach’ a child to have fun. He will discover this by himself. He will.
Yes, it is lots of work. To me it would be well worth it.
I am sorry for being sarcastic. I like your blog, but this last post was very unexpected, and, frankly, maddening. It is an interesting discussion, though. I am interested to find out what you think about my ideas and what are your arguments.
Anonymous | Jul 18, 2005 | Reply
i was talking with a friend of mine about this situation, brainstorming for ideas. she says that this describes her ds quite well. he has a slight hearing loss (diagnosed only recently)– enough to make everything scary for him.
just a thought.
momtaxi | Jul 19, 2005 | Reply
Anonymous said “Do you think he will be 15 and asking you to go on dates with him? Or room with him in college”?
Learning to separate as a child will influence both of these things greatly & he won’t ever get to these milestones if the foundation isn’t laid now. He won’t have the confidence that comes from being able to act independently.
I don’t see Shannon’s approach as cruel. Cruel is sheltering and enabling a child (however well intended and I really think Shannon is trying to do the right thing) so he ends up with no social skills, no confidence and no outside friends to look to for support.
Shannon | Jul 19, 2005 | Reply
Hi Anonymous (maybe you could make up a fake name, so we don’t have to keep calling you “anonymous”?) - I actually agree with many of your comments. And I think that’s how we got to this point. I have tried so hard to accommodate him and not take drastic measures and not be cruel. And it has come to the point where it is clear that he is manipulating and controlling me. And I can’t allow that any longer.
I have tried talking to him time and time again. He does not express his feelings (and I’m not so sure there are feelings to express - perhaps he is just trying to control me, so what is there for him to say to me?). Sometimes he will tell me he is embarrassed. That’s about all he ever says.
I have created short, safe situations for him to be on his own. He has stayed with friends when I have left their house, he has also stayed in the day care at the gym quite often. Sometimes, he is just fine. That leads me to think that his resistance is a control issue and not just about being afraid. Even with the swim class - it is a half-hour in a pool that he has been in MANY times with me, I am right outside watching through a window (although I think he will do better if he doesn’t see me around to run to and manipulate), and he LOVES swimming. We have our own pool at home and he is close to swimming on his own. So there is no fear of water or swimming.
You wrote: “Do you think he will be 15 and asking you to go on dates with him?” Ya know, when he was three, people would say to me, “When he’s 7 or 8 he’ll be running off with friends and won’t want you around.” Now that he is close to 7, that is so far from being the case that I could concieve of him wanting me to go on dates with him! Perhaps that is a little extreme, but he feels absolutely no embarrassment having me around when all the other kids are on their own.
I also wanted to respond to your homeschooling comment. We are not accommodating him by homeschooling him. Homeschooling is a decision we made when he was very young - before these personality traits ever surfaced. It really has nothing to do with his anxiety over being without me. It has everything to do with the fact that we don’t like the public education system and feel we can do a much better job ourselves.
Anonymous | Jul 19, 2005 | Reply
hi Shannon
it okay, i like being called ‘anonymous’
about homeschooling — i did not express myself well. i did not mean that you homeschool because of his personality. i meant that BECAUSE you homeschool you have the freedom not to push him into things before he is ready.
with all the details you provide — hmmmmmmm.
i would still try to look for deeper reasons. why does he want to control you? i am not a behaviorist. i can’t believe that the behavior is the only aspect of the situation. if he feels the need to control you, then WHY?
my own dc went through a stage of seemingly controlling behaviour, but i interpreted it as his need to gain control over his environment, not over me. i accommodated his needs, and he has since become more independent. this stage, however did not last for years.
when he says he is embarassed, why it is not a valid reason to you?
you seem to imply that he has no feelings to express about the situation. i cannot believe this. is he used to not being able to express himself? are his feelings easily dismissed? “no, this cannot hurt” or “you MUST be hungry by now” etc?
if your strategy does not seem to be working, try this: instead of pushing him away (even if you don’t say anything, he FEELS you want him to be independent. and he is STUBBORN. he will do things just out of spite) try offering him your presence BEFORE he asks you for it, unconditionally. offer it as a choice, but make sure you do this before he asks. do it willingly. this will boost his confidence dramatically. work on this for a bit, and before you know it, he will want to go places on his own.
this is what Gordon Neufield suggest in Hold on to Your Kids, and it worked really great for us.
~anonymous
Mother Crone's Homeschool | Jul 19, 2005 | Reply
Hugs Shannon! I am a bit late on this one, but I did want to send some support. I have been there, done that. I want to encourage you in forcing some separation in simple, safe situations (playdates) ; but I also discouage dropping him off somewhere with potential to be scary (swimming, camps,etc). These situations are NOT the same.
Remember that 7 isn’t really that old, if you look at the grand scheme of things. Just a century ago, a child never left the parent until 10! They even went to work with parents, if need be!!
Don’t stress, because HE will get over it, just like Reagan did when she was ready at 8 1/2. You would never imagine that she is the same child!!
I do not agree at all with those who compare insecurity in strange situations as a child with irresponsibility in adulthood, as they are completely different. Reagan ran a dog sitting business since age 7, and has helped with her brothers snow shoveling business since then as well. She has a great work ethic and lots more responsibility than many of her outgoing public-school peers!